my four valentines

laundry bits

looking through pics...

missing blogging :)

it's a process :)

all moved in with Marc and his cat Prairie - and Maku and Snow of course ;)
moving in with someone as an adult is such a complex thing or maybe because there are two other little hearts involved.
i have been going through a lot of mixed feelings; a sense of uneasiness within my calmness, happiness tinted with dismay, seemingly content but burdened at the same time.
yep. one of my few gloomy posts...but like i said happy but sad :)

i take solace in friends and family (and a little bit of alcohol here and there), ^.^ i find it soothing to listen, dance, and sing to my favorite music but i somehow find daily comfort in the simplicity and nakedness of what is around me. i like my furniture plain and rough, i like my cupboards barely full, my fridge almost empty. my walls almost bare. unembellished and unadorned. stark and primitive.
i do not like to display machine-made art or one that is suffocating under a piece of glass. i do not like to keep things in case i need them one day.
i am whining, i know. i am quickly learning about compromising. something i never had to do before. i don't know why, maybe because i shared similar views with that certain person i lived with throughout most of my adult life or simply because he spoiled me to death (until he got tired of it and left --heehee).

and now, as i hang framed prints and laminated photos :P, i look at pictures of my old place-- missing how my home was and at the same time feeling a bit triumphant that i am finally growing up and, well...compromising :) --> this is my effort to look at the bright side :D
and no, you will not see photos of my cluttered walls :)
oh hey, i went to las vegas the other week. maybe i should talk about that ;) or how i need to change my header, i've had that sea urchin pic for over a year now :)

visiting pennsylvania

i find myself under this tree again after two years
but this time under different circumstances ;)
it seems like decades ago when i posted this
but really it was only about a hundred blog posts ago
how things change :D

here and well

kicking sand
pulling boats -- for the camera ;)
and hopefully soon --blogging regularly

marc's eye

just one of the good good things in my inbox yesterday. :)

and here's the rest of his face. and mine :D

just me and myself

it has been almost a month that both my little ones are in school full time. i've been busy getting to know myself, meeting up with friends nearby, yapping on the phone with ones that are far away.

i've been txting like a fool, dancing like a fool, taking pictures of myself like a fool. life is good and it gets even better when they get home at 3 o'clock and we get to do the fun little things we always do together..


and it feels just a teeny-tiny bit more special since we've missed each other all day.

and I end this post with one last photo of me, looking so refreshed and loving this new routine. :D

oh. okay.

it's not the first time i've heard it. so, okay, i grind my teeth and talk in my sleep. i like tulips and lilies...those are beautiful things :)

one more day

until my birthday!

bean lucky

Living in a little cottage perfectly fit for the three of us. Affordable yet cozy :)
Greeted every morning with snuggles and giggles from two adorable little ones.
Loose fitting size 00 clothes to match very good hair days.
A late evening phone call from an amazingly handsome surgeon (it's nothing really, well, not yet...but still...)
Life has not been what I expected. I was surrounded by lucky beans...

I chose our last home with Dave for its small size, brick driveway, wood kitchen floors, and the lush backyard forest inhabited by squirrels, raccoons, and snakes. Later, to my surprise, it revealed a little secret -- an abundant supply of lucky beans.

I first saw these red and black beans when my sister gave me bean bracelets she brought home from Guatemala (or was it Peru? or Costa Rica?) about four years ago. I knew they were beans but had no idea they were lucky ;) I also had no idea they can be found here in Florida.

The children were instantly drawn by the brightly colored beans. They often gathered some from the forest and used them for play. They were scattered all over our home, in my car and occassionally one would find its way into our shoes.

Montauk Lighthouse, 1999 (little Snow in my tummy)
When Dave decided to break up the family back in June, I cursed the lucky beans. I did not bring a single one with me to Pennsylvania and when he took us back home in July, I cleared the house of these beans. I must've left a few in my car or the children must've snuck them into the house because that reconciliation lasted less than two months and now that we are finally separated, I have never felt luckier, happier, freer, safer. I am living once again.

He is in Norway right now visiting his girlfriend (the beans brought him some luck too). Before he left, he asked if I would be kind enough to put away his trashbins. My considerate nature agrees to everything, so I said yes. As I put away the bins, I noticed how the plants on the front yard have grown so I walked around the back to take a quick look at the other plants. Then I sat on one of the stone stools I put together for the children, mind empty, I stared into the forest.

Soon enough, the little specks of red on the ground caught my eye and I broke out in tears. Tears of relief and of joy, and of how lucky I am to love and be loved by so many people and to have the strength to re-invent myself and rebuild my life through a very painful and difficult experience. I slowly made my way into the forest, picking up one little bean at a time. I was drawn not by their bright colors but by the fantasy aspect of fate and fortune, of being alone in a forest collecting magical beans, and of entering my forties with a childlike soul.

I emerged out of the woods an hour later with dirt under my fingernails, twig-scratched arms, bug-bitten legs, and a pocketful of beans. :)

There's a lot of luck to go around. If you would like some just email me. But beware! Travel Africa says the beans contain poison that can paralyze or cause respiratory failure and this wikipedia link talks about death by a finger-prick! I did not know this until today. Thank goodness the children never attempted to crack or bite one open!
My search for lucky beans also led me to this wonderful blog. I have yet to post some Halloween pics, I"ll try to get that done before Thanksgiving. ^,^

a little stumble

...will be back up soon.

maybe with a picture of Maku's foot as Kate suggested :)

back to the familiar

There are no seagrapes in Pennsylvania...just when I was about to change my name to Oaktree jam or something like that...I find myself back here in Florida. We've been back for two weeks now...


that is Snow and Maku...and three 10 year old girls in the water...can you spot them?

I miss my family in Pennsylvania. And this shady spot under my favorite tree where I spent many afternoons finding strength within myself in this journey of single mommyhood.

moving on...

Thanks to each and every one of you for all your support and advice. I started this blog last year as a place to jot down memories of my final year being an at-home mom, little did I know it would also be my last year of being a wife. Now it's best if I stop talking about this, last thing I need is for my happy little corner to turn into a divorce blog. :)
Tomorrow the children and I will be flying to Pennsylvania. We have plenty loved ones there ready to embrace us and offer us love and support in every way.
Today we say our goodbyes. And I just don't know how. How do you say goodbye to your favorite person in the world? How do you say goodbye to family? How do you pack away a lifetime of dreams, love and commitment in one single day?
Am I making any sense? yes? no? I better go, see you back here in a few days.

some sort of break

taking a little time off
I'll still be posting every once in awhile, but mostly pictures
so be sure to take a peek (^.^)

a little bit of growing up

I know, enough is enough, I’ve earned my “Purple Owie Award” but I still sleep on the couch and that entitles me to one more I'm-owie-post, especially with a view like this from the end of my makeshift bed. Two little ones wiggling and giggling--filled with joy and delight--yet underneath those smiles I know they feel scared and confused. I’ve shaken their sense of comfort and security and I'm finding it so hard to recover from that.
As I hold their feet to make sure they don’t kick the stitches on my tummy Snow’s feel a little longer and Maku’s just a little rougher; they’ve grown this week, their little hearts, and their little feet.

shifting back to normal

Recovery went a bit faster than I thought it would. I was hoping to miss the kitchen and the laundry room a bit longer. Everything's been calling me, the fabric in the craft room, the dust on the bookshelves and, of course, the world outside. It's time to go out and play once again!

Thank you for your prayers and well wishes. Enjoy the long weekend and I'll see you back here on Tuesday.

a girl and her dress

My sister Elaine did a little shopping the night before my operation. She got me a pre-op dress, a post-op one, and a party-like-you-never-lost-an-ovary dress. The first two outfits simply beat the look and comfort of what I was going for with my dark gray sweats; no elastic, no zippers, they just slide right on.
I was a little nervous coming and very achy going but always managed to feel cute in my pretty green dress, until I saw my reflection on the building outside. I was so pale and ugly and bloated; eeekkk! just add that to my list of things that suck. (^0^)

pre-surgery stuff

It seems like I was cooking and cleaning most of the day and I still have a long list of things to do. The rest of the week will be pretty much uneventful. Surgery sucks. Recovery sucks even more. Healing is such a slow and painful process, although I am looking forward to sleeping -- a lot.

I'll be posting mostly photos for the next few days. Some old ones and some new. Maybe I’ll find some photos of myself, which are rather rare, so don’t count on that.

change of plans

My right ovary decided to grow a cyst, a giant one. So this weekend, instead of packing for our trip to New York and planning our itinerary, I’ll be packing for a hospital stay and preparing meals for the week. On Wednesday, I’ll be saying goodbye to my ovary, my giant cyst, all the discomfort I’ve been having and the five months pregnant look I’ve been sporting. If all goes as planned everything will be taken out through a very small incision and I’ll be home before the day ends. If not, then I’ll be watching the season finale of Lost all drugged up on a hospital bed.

Hello and welcome

Just a quick first post to get things started. I don't think I'm the type of person to have a blog but thought I'd start one to stay in touch with family and friends. This will also be a place for me to share my days of being an at home mom. Snow is now seven and Maku is three, this full time mom gig is reaching its end and I'm hoping that sharing my mommy days will prolong these magical (and sometimes monstrous) moments.
So check in often. Drop a note. I love visitors.